The Hallmark Movie Channel Drinking Game

SILLY BUSINESS ACTION ALERT! I decided since this is a nice slow Sunday morning in November, I would use check marks in lieu of booze to test The Hallmark Christmas Drinking Game I found online. “The Nine Lives of Christmas” is forty minutes in and so far has 0 drink points. (I know, right? Yet this is a genuine Hallmark Movie so maybe the THC is aware of this game and is making changes HAHAHA! I kid, I kid.) I didn’t know if I would stick it out through the entire movie, but it does star Brandon Routh from the pre-Henry Cavill, post-Christopher Reeve Superman movies, which is a nice change of pace from the typical Cream Cheese actors THC usually hires.POSSIBLE SIP POINT: Gregory Harrison has a supporting role as a wise white-haired supervisor. Yes, perpteual Hallmark Channel star Gregory Harrison has finally graduated from Hot Hunky THC Movie Hero Go-To, to Distinguished Elder Who Dispenses Needed Encouragement To The Hot Hunky THC Movie Hero. Way to go, Gregory! Don’t think of it as being yesterday’s Gregory Harrison; think of it as being tomorrow’s Wilford Brimley.

Okay, just don’t think of it, Gregory. Just cash those Hallmark checks, boy.

ALSO POSSIBLE SIP POINT: the heroine lives in an apartment building called “Angel Arms.” AWWWWW. The adorable; it burns!

One scene had two drinks – jingle bells and Christmas caroling, so it is no longer a shutout. And THCCMDG rule board doesn’t have a key element on its list: an over-the-top evil antagonist, and we’ll have to see if this movie includes another key component: the public humiliation of said over-the-top evil antagonist.

Wow, another drink got earned: Reference to a dead relative. Is it two drinks if BOTH parents died in a tragic accident? Asking for a friend.

Sad to say, it looks like “The Nine Lives of Christmas” faked me out at first but in the end, The Hallmark Channel is not about to produce a movie that doesn’t follow the formula. I’ll stick it out but it looks like I’m going to have to update and embellish the original game to include some key elements.

Mistletoe! and cutesy kiss. We MUST have an updated version of the game:

I have a terrible feeling my revised THCCMDG is going to result in alcohol poisoning.

The last five minutes of “The Nine Lives of Christmas” is, even by THC standards, incredibly stilted. NOBODY would have that kind of dialogue in real life. I took one for the team this morning, but if I were actually playing the game I’d need detox STAT.


Full disclosure: I wrote a based-on-a-true-story Christmas tale called “The Biggest Little Fan of the Red Ball Express” a few years ago. This story was well liked by people who read it, and nearly every remark about it included the phrase “this should be a Hallmark Movie!” It has all the elements: Family in dire straits, the kindness of strangers, an incredible-to-believe outcome that actually happened. I put it in script form but it hasn’t gone anywhere yet.
TBLFOTRBE does not have certain classic Hallmark Christmas Movie elements to qualify for production, I’m afraid. The main family is part Native American, not Cream Cheese Caucasian; they are slap-down impoverished and not upper-middle-class people whose main breadwinner is on the verge of having to depend upon their 401K until they can get another glamorous job; the parents are already married so there’s no cute-meet romantic angle, and the kids are actual emotional, reactive people struggling to survive in a tough environment instead of pretty blonde characters who live in a sprawling, warm, brightly decorated home in a picturesque neighborhood.
I understand The Hallmark Channel wants to offer its viewers a comforting romantic¬† escapism which is admittedly needed in today’s world. My mother-in-law, an avid Hallmark Movie devotee, admits she is well aware of how a movie will end within the first twenty minutes and is right most of the time. It’s the comfort of a familiar story wearing new clothes that appeals to its audience.
“The Biggest Little Fan of the Red Ball Express” would make a good if unusual Christmas movie, but it wouldn’t meet the Hallmark Channel Christmas Movie Drinking Game standards. Only one point, Finish Drink: When the cynic is filled with the Christmas Spirit, would be earned by my script. But really, isn’t that the main point of Christmas?
RBE cover


About jmichaeljones57

I am a writer and an avid fan of goats. The two facts are not mutually exclusive.
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