I recently read an article called “What Men Want: These Are Guys’ Biggest Turn-Offs.” OH REALLY. Most of the article dealt with appearances and other superficial matters. Well, let’s not allow that to go unanswered, shall we?
WHAT WOMEN WANT: MEN, LISTEN UP
- Men, start by taking your damn hat off when you enter a house, a room and ESPECIALLY when you sit down to dinner. It’s good manners; are you planning to rush off to play Major League Ball somewhere in the middle of a meal? No? Then take off your hat and stay a while. Oh, and if you are at a ballgame in the stands and are wearing your ballcap fashionably backwards and then shade your eyes with your hand because you FORGOT THE CAP HAS A SUN VISOR, know that you just might be mocked for all to see on the Jumbotron.
- As long as we are in agreement about finances and your responsibilities are met, go ahead and indulge in your favorite hobby or pastime but don’t make a habit of going overboard on spending. That’s just fiscal common sense. It’s expected of us, so why not you men too?
- Don’t bitch at women for gaining weight if you have done the same thing. Just because you can zip up your jeans doesn’t mean we don’t see that ginormous muffin top spilling out over your belt. Try being supportive instead, and that doesn’t mean enabling us. Join us to create a healthier lifestyle and we’ll both be the better for it.
- Wash your hair; trim your beard; mow your nose hairs; take showers and use deodorant. It won’t kill you to practice good grooming. Clothes make the man but OMG, slobs just make a mess. And pull up your pants. It is never fashionable to look ridiculous.
- Do to others as you would want done to you. Don’t be a bigot or a hater. Be a decent human being. It’s easy. But show us who you really are from the get-go. Don’t behave one way to get our attention and affection, and then switch back to your regular behavior once you’ve “got us hooked.” Don’t be a prick.
- Don’t use empty promises if we want to call it quits. If you’re just using a line to get us to stay so you’ll have a cook or housekeeper or bed partner handy, we’ll walk out twice as hard and stay gone. If it isn’t working, we can both start over with someone new. No harm, no foul, no grudges, just lessons learned.
- It is not funny to us if you decide to tickle us when we are trying to get in a healthy morning stretch. Tickle when it is appropriate, not when we are doing something you know damn well doesn’t go well with it. And don’t use tickling as a form of torment. Don’t use ANYTHING as a form of torment. A practical joke once or twice is funny, but repeated ‘jokes’ are only funny for one side. Posting videos of it to social media is cruel, so don’t.
- Don’t call us names around your friends that you wouldn’t call us when we’re alone. Even ‘playfully’ calling us “Bitch” when your buds are around just to make yourself look like some kind of Alpha Male will get you a dirty blanket in the dog house that night. We aren’t your ‘bitch,’ dude, unless you make us EARN that title. Oh and we can. We most certainly can.
- Don’t let your family mistreat us; don’t let your mother or sister or father or brother or other relatives attack us if we’ve done nothing wrong. Stand up for us when you know we’re in the right. If you want to choose your family, that’s cool. We’ll choose elsewhere and your family can KEEP you.
- We generally appreciate it when you hold doors open for us, because we know that is you being considerate. We’ll be glad to return the favor as long as you don’t act all butt-hurt that by opening doors for you we’re emasculating you somehow. And remember, some women prefer to open their own doors so let them. “Oh, okay” is all you have to say to them. You never know how many times a door has been slammed in their faces.
- Don’t make fun of us if we cry at tender stories or sad movies. It’s our compassion and caring that makes us reach out to others, and where would your ass be if we didn’t? Possibly ALONE.
- Don’t diss or mistreat our pets. Don’t expect us to automatically cast our companion animals aside just because you strolled into our lives. Don’t expect us to get rid of the dog we raised from a puppy or the cat we rescued four years ago, just because you feel you’re competing with them for our attention because Hell yes in a way you are. If you really like our pets but you’re allergic we can work something out but don’t assume Fido is on his way out the door.
- And GODDAMMIT do NOT pretend you should somehow be first over the children women already have in our lives! Did we give birth to you? Did we struggle to raise you? No, so don’t pout if we don’t hang on your every word instead of attending to the kids. Don’t scream at our children, don’t treat them like little butlers and maids, don’t cuss them out if they make a mistake. They are OUR kids. Walk out the door if you don’t like it. Don’t come back. They’re the ones staying.
- And regarding #13, if the children in question are in fact YOUR OWN and you treat them that way – FUCK YOU WITH A LAND MINE. Did you get us pregnant; are those children also your responsibility? Yes, so man up and realize you are King and I am Queen and our children are PRINCES and PRINCESSES in our castle. Treat them with respect and love or you will be dethroned. The same goes for the Queen so don’t think you’re the only one who has to be a good parent.
- If you grow tired or restless in our relationship, tell us. If we can’t work it out, then leave and find your bliss elsewhere. The same will hold true for women. It’s no black mark against anyone if a relationship fails; shit just happens and it’s sad. Take what you came in with and leave stuff that wasn’t yours alone. We can sort through the stuff we got together and nobody has to be greedy or spiteful. And if there are children born from our relationship, it is both our duties to help them find their own bliss in life. Neither of us can shirk it.
- Respect. We want respect, we DESERVE respect. Show us respect, we’ll show it back. There is no ‘place’ we should remain in if that means walking a few steps behind you so you’ll look in ‘control.’ There is no set role we should play, for life is fluid and conditions change. Show us respect; show us you know we can think for ourselves and make our own decisions with or without your input. We don’t mind advice but we aren’t putting up with orders. You want to give someone orders, join the Army and EARN the rank to give orders.