Hi and welcome to the Babbie Dahl Dramatic Players! I’m your host Moderator Midge! I don’t have a last name because SOME PEOPLE wanted to hog all the spotlight and just focus everything on her skanky, everygirl, attention whore self, but that’s another story.
We’re here today to meet some of the Players and expose some of the little-known steamy underbelly of the Babbie world. Because BELIEVE ME, there is some steamy shit going on up in here!
You know, I could carry the whole series myself. I just, you know, don’t want to be a showoff like SOME skinny-assed blondes I know. Not that I’m like, jealous or anything like that. I’m a stand-up girl. Really! Here’s my resume!
Bitch, please. Babbie pulled you out of the Generic Doll Mold and made you a more-or-less household name. You used to have an upturned piggy nose and freckles as big as dimes all over your face. And your hair – ohmygod, it was mud brown and looked like somebody hotglued Swiss Cake rolls on the ends to make it look like a flip-‘do. Girl, get real. She took you in, dyed your hair hot babe red, shrunk your freckles and gave you a decent nose job. Pssht! And as a matter of fact, BITCH, your Real World last name is Hadley-Sherwood. You even got married and had a kid, in that order. Go have some cheese with that whine.
Oh look, it’s Resting Bitch Face Miko! – who, uh, evidently got even less notice than I did.
Well played, ho. Well played.
Here’s a trio of friends – Passive Aggressive Miko, Party Girl Midge and Glamour Shot Babbie! Or as we lovingly know them around here as, “Act One Scene One of MacBeth.”
Goddammit, where are my shoes?
Hi there! Yes, it’s me – Glamour Shot Babbie! What, this old thing? – why, I just threw it on
Or threw it up. Whatever.
Passive Aggressive Miko’s off her meds again, I see.
Oh, for God’s sake – am I the only one who knows how to pop some color in a red room?!
This is our senior member, Malibu Babbie. She’s like, so old. Like from the ‘70’s old. Like dinosaur old. Like, they don’t even make clothes for her anymore because they’d have to be made of dust to look natural on her!
Dayum. Moderator Midge needs to get laid!
Hey, you’d be pissy too if you had a permanent case of Starlight Cataract in one eye. Give me a break, willya? Sheesh.
Poor Hangover Babbie. One little weekend of bingeing and purging can take its toll on a girl!
Take a nickel’s worth of free advice from Resting Bitch Face Miko, honey. Be thankful you woke up in your own bed. You know, instead of with that guy you met during your epic Quarterly Pub Crawl last month.
I feel so lousy, I could stick my head in an oven and end it all. Just like Sylvia Plath, only without all the hand-wringing.
OH DAMN, Babbie, you are SO very blonde.
Hey, let’s meet some of the hunky guys we have around here, because no one in the Babbie Dahl Dramatic Players is ever flabby! Here’s Super Cool Two-Tone Ken, Dylan TwoOneOh, Tom Dark and Upper G.I. Joe!
Dylan, no; you just… you’re trying too hard, honey.
Yea-HEY, you know what I just noticed? I’m so super cool because I have a shirt and two of you don’t, plus I still have my shoes! Nyah!
Dude, all that proves is that no one’s ever wanted to play with you.
I think you just scored a direct hit on his over-inflated ego, Tom.
Say, while we’re at it I’ll introduce you to my unit buddy, Steven T. Black!
Your ‘unit buddy’, right. Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell; amiright guys?
How do you like my Kung-Fu grip NOW, maggot?
Follow me; we’re all going into town!
I know a place. We’ll fit right in because between the three of us, we’re dressed for any occassion!
He’s one of the few guys I know who can rock Pat Boone shoes!
Wait, what? How come he doesn’t catch flack for still having his shoes? Unfair much?
Well, I’m not a dick. That counts for something.
Bud, we’re fashion doll figures. NO ONE has a dick.
Speak for yourself, dickless.
This must be someone’s cruel twisted sense of humor at work here.
What? No! Don’t be such a Debbie Downer – they don’t even make that model anyway – and think about how nice everyone in the townhouse is to you! Passive Aggresive Miko made you this sumptuous breakfast, Hangover Babbie!
mmMMMMm! Look at that variety; just the thing to get you up and at ‘em, Hangover Babbie!
BLAURGGH! URRUPH! RAAALLLPH! Oh lord I think I threw my back out with that last one.
Oh come ON, this shit’s GOLD!
Now you just hold on one cotton-pickin’ lil’ minute, ya’ll! I may be a sweet simpering Flower of the South, Sweet Tea Babbie, but I can’t let yew pick on my cousin Hangover Babbie!
Just because she didn’t inherit our family’s ability to hold her liquor doesn’t mean you can laugh at her!
Did you know my talent portion for the Miss Plastic America contest was “How to Cut a Bitch?” Gimme that nail file and let me send you back under the house in Oz, fuckka.
You remember Biker Bitch Babbie, and how she’s famous all over Georgia? Yeah she is – her right arm was found in Waycross, her kneecap was found in Smyrna, and different organs were found all along the Chattahoochie!
Don’t fuck with a girl from Roopville. It never ends well.