The Babbie Dahl Dramatic Players

1892

Hi and welcome to the Babbie Dahl Dramatic Players! I’m your host Moderator Midge! I don’t have a last name because SOME PEOPLE wanted to hog all the spotlight and just focus everything on her skanky, everygirl, attention whore self, but that’s another story.

 

1893

We’re here today to meet some of the Players and expose some of the little-known steamy underbelly of the Babbie world. Because BELIEVE ME, there is some steamy shit going on up in here!

 

1894

You know, I could carry the whole series myself. I just, you know, don’t want to be a showoff like SOME skinny-assed blondes I know. Not that I’m like, jealous or anything like that. I’m a stand-up girl. Really! Here’s my resume!

 

1895

Bitch, please. Babbie pulled you out of the Generic Doll Mold and made you a more-or-less household name. You used to have an upturned piggy nose and freckles as big as dimes all over your face. And your hair – ohmygod, it was mud brown and looked like somebody hotglued Swiss Cake rolls on the ends to make it look like a flip-‘do. Girl, get real. She took you in, dyed your hair hot babe red, shrunk your freckles and gave you a decent nose job.  Pssht! And as a matter of fact, BITCH, your Real World last name is Hadley-Sherwood. You even got married and had a kid, in that order. Go have some cheese with that whine.

 

1898

 

 

1896

Oh look, it’s Resting Bitch Face Miko! – who, uh, evidently got even less notice than I did.

 

 

1895

Well played, ho. Well played.

 

1900

Here’s a trio of friends – Passive Aggressive Miko, Party Girl Midge and Glamour Shot Babbie! Or as we lovingly know them around here as, “Act One Scene One of MacBeth.”

 

1901

Goddammit, where are my shoes?

 

1902

Hi there! Yes, it’s me – Glamour Shot Babbie! What, this old thing? – why, I just threw it on

!

1903

Or threw it up. Whatever.

 

1905

Passive Aggressive Miko’s off her meds again, I see.

 

1906

Oh, for God’s sake – am I the only one who knows how to pop some color in a red room?!

 

1907

This is our senior member, Malibu Babbie. She’s like, so old. Like from the ‘70’s old. Like dinosaur old. Like, they don’t even make clothes for her anymore because they’d have to be made of dust to look natural on her!

 

1908

Dayum. Moderator Midge needs to get laid!

1909

Hey, you’d be pissy too if you had a permanent case of Starlight Cataract in one eye. Give me a break, willya? Sheesh.

 

1910

Poor Hangover Babbie. One little weekend of bingeing and purging can take its toll on a girl!

 

1911

Take a nickel’s worth of free advice from Resting Bitch Face Miko, honey. Be thankful you woke up in your own bed. You know, instead of with that guy you met during your epic Quarterly Pub Crawl last month.

 

1910

I feel so lousy, I could stick my head in an oven and end it all. Just like Sylvia Plath, only without all the hand-wringing.

 

1912

OH DAMN, Babbie, you are SO very blonde.

 

1913

Hey, let’s meet some of the hunky guys we have around here, because no one in the Babbie Dahl Dramatic Players is ever flabby! Here’s Super Cool Two-Tone Ken, Dylan TwoOneOh, Tom Dark and Upper G.I. Joe!

 

1914

Dylan, no; you just… you’re trying too hard, honey.

 

1915

Yea-HEY, you know what I just noticed? I’m so super cool because I have a shirt and two of you don’t, plus I still have my shoes! Nyah!

 

1916

Dude, all that proves is that no one’s ever wanted to play with you.

 

1917

Uh… huh.

 

1919

I think you just scored a direct hit on his over-inflated ego, Tom.

 

 

1920

Say, while we’re at it I’ll introduce you to my unit buddy, Steven T. Black!

 

1921

Your ‘unit buddy’, right. Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell; amiright guys?

 

1922

 

 

1923

How do you like my Kung-Fu grip NOW, maggot?

 

 

1929

Follow me; we’re all going into town!

 

1930

I know a place. We’ll fit right in because between the three of us, we’re dressed for any occassion!

 

1931

He’s one of the few guys I know who can rock Pat Boone shoes!

 

1934

Wait, what? How come he doesn’t catch flack for still having his shoes? Unfair much?

 

1933

Well, I’m not a dick. That counts for something.

 

1934

Bud, we’re fashion doll figures. NO ONE has a dick.

 

1932

Speak for yourself, dickless.

 

 

1937

This must be someone’s cruel twisted sense of humor at work here.

 

1938

What? No! Don’t be such a Debbie Downer – they don’t even make that model anyway – and think about how nice everyone in the townhouse is to you! Passive Aggresive Miko made you this sumptuous breakfast, Hangover Babbie!

 

1939

mmMMMMm! Look at that variety; just the thing to get you up and at ‘em, Hangover Babbie!

 

1940

BLAURGGH! URRUPH! RAAALLLPH!  Oh lord I think I threw my back out with that last one.

 

1941

Oh come ON, this shit’s GOLD!

 

1943

Now you just hold on one cotton-pickin’ lil’ minute, ya’ll! I may be a sweet simpering Flower of the South, Sweet Tea Babbie, but I can’t let yew pick on my cousin Hangover Babbie!

 

1944

Just because she didn’t inherit our family’s ability to hold her liquor doesn’t mean you can laugh at her!

 

1945

Did you know my talent portion for the Miss Plastic America contest was “How to Cut a Bitch?” Gimme that nail file and let me send you back under the house in Oz, fuckka.

 

1944

You remember Biker Bitch Babbie, and how she’s famous all over Georgia? Yeah she is – her right arm was found in Waycross, her kneecap was found in Smyrna, and different organs were found all along the Chattahoochie!

 

1946

Don’t fuck with a girl from Roopville. It never ends well.

 

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About jmichaeljones57

I am a writer and an avid fan of goats. The two facts are not mutually exclusive.
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